I am Markus Birdman, regional playboy (years active ’11-’15), Essex table tennis champion ’92, 103rd in line to the throne of Brunei, direct descendent of Napoleon’s wife and the Duke of Wellington, with a blood-line from Mary Magdalene, but more recently stand-up comedian extra-ordinairre and visual artist.
What is the first thing people notice about you?
Either my animal magnetism, or the prosthetic ear I’ve had attached to my left hand, at great expense, so that I might hear the funnies and write them down with as little interference as possible. You only get the pure stuff from me. I smell amazing too. Like a gay bird of paradise who has just done most of his Christmas shopping at Lush.
6 things you can’t live without during the Fringe?
Water. My gills (a two-for-one offer with the ear, that I’d have been a fool to turn down) need this, and plenty of it, otherwise I breathe like I’m going into anaphylactic shock.
Punters- Believe what you want, but doing your show to one man and his dog can test the metal of the most seasoned campaigner. That said, dogs do tend to find me very amusing. I think they respond to the mix of frank honestly, searing despair and slapstick. Particularly greyhounds. I suppose they too, are running away from something.
Whiskey- I know she’s the devil, but she kisses well and makes me look younger.
A raincoat- need I say more.
A hairdryer- the Scottish summer weather is not kind to the barnet, and this lid doesn’t style itself.
Comfortable shoes- there’s the hilly walks, but mostly I like to sneak up on people and lick the back of their necks.
Who are your Edinburgh Fringe Crushes this year?
There is an exotic creature that works in the men’s department at Harvey Nicks. She speaks almost no English, but looks like she holds the secrets to the Universe between her shapely, dark thighs.
Your darkest Fringe secret?
I was unceremoniously arrested last year in Harvey Nicks for attempting to propose, whilst dressed as Mark Anthony. I was struggling with the ancient Babylonian dialect I’d disastrously gone for, and accidentally incited a riot with a group of visiting Iraqi school children. Still you live and you learn. I got off with 3 weeks community service selling halal hot-dogs at the Zoo.
Markus Birdman – Grimm Realities: Aug 8-16, 18-30, Canon’s Gait, 15:40